Thursday, 19 April 2012

The Cambridge News.....and other rants......

Though not by me!



I'm too bleedin' knackered, mate...... (work having been more than ludicrously busy of late..)

No, The Illustrious Organ that serves these parts has carried a few articles over the last few days that have caught my eye, and, indeed, may catch your attention too....

The Conservators of the River Cam have thrown all budgetary restrictions aside, cast caution to the winds, lost any remaining credulity they may have had, and gone and bought their River Foreman a very expensive-looking bit of sonar equipment.


For the River Cam?



Now, like you, I didn't rate the chances of any Soviet-era Kilo Class submarines making a dash for these waters too highly.... the absence of sufficient air-draught for the conning tower (or 'sail' in US-speak) at Stretham being a major factor.....

However, the Conservators clearly know better than I, for they have invested a sizeable chunk of our licence fees in just such a sonar detection system.

Thank God!

We can now all sleep easily in our bunks, safe in the knowledge that Colin Sparkes, the River Foreman, is armed with the very latest in cutting-edge ASW kit to thwart the Red Menace!

Actually, the reason given in the paper is that it will make it much easier for him to identify objects such as bedsteads, shopping trolleys, bikes, motorbikes and God alone knows what other detritus has been pitched into the Cam, and having thus pin-pointed it with all the accuracy that geo-stationary satellite navigation systems can afford, he can, with laser like precision, remove said objects from the water with the crane attached to his working barge.

Of course, no-one likes to remind The Conservancy that this very work was effected yearly with nothing more complex than a collection of ropes and grappling hooks manned by volunteers from Camboaters, with n'ery a sonar ping in sight, or, indeed, ear-shot.

But then they went and pissed us all off royally with the ludicrous increase in licence fees, so none of us now feel obliged to assist with any future endeavours of this kind......

So the brainless numpties then go and blow a chunk of OUR hard-earned cash on some sonar for Colin to play with........

Oh well, it'll probably put back the plans for the new kitchen we are all paying for at the Conservancy House at Clayhithe by a few months, so all is not lost.....

Interestingly enough, the paper also carried a job advert for a Seasonal River Bailiff to help police the river.

Now, none of us have a problem with the current River Bailiff, who does an excellent job. I can only assume that the creation of this post is to supply someone in the Conservancy's son, daughter, cousin or uncle with some work experience/"job for the boys" for which we boaters will, of course, foot the bill.


Anyway, enough of The Conservancy and all that sink in them.

Let us consider a water-borne matter of truly global weight, import, pith and moment.


This is the name given by rowers to an aggressive swan.

Google it for the details.

All I have to say is this:

He's giving the rowers the bird!

No, seriously, he's a bit of a menace.

However, his presence and the attempts to have him and his brood re-homed have polarised opinion in Cambridge.

The rowers hate him, and lots of people who hate rowers love him.

I like all river life, like swans.

I also respect pond life, like rowers....

(Oh come on, James, only the amoeba-brained would try to turn an eight within 30 feet of Pippin's bow, cutting through the water at a stately, but potentially deadly, 4 mph?

Wouldn't they.......?

That altercation knackered our gearbox, by the way, though no rowers were harmed.....)

Seriously, I like rowers too, except possibly when they are endangering themselves near Pippin's bow (Sharp) or stern (Mincer), but even so I forgive them my grey hair.


We all must share the river, be we boater, rower, or highly pissed-off and hormonally charged large white aqautic avian.

Or a combination of all three.......

So relax, everyone.

Live and let live.....!


  1. Replies
    1. Glad you enjoyed it!

      God forbid anyone should take me too seriously, though.....